Sunday, July 31, 2005

three is ge's favourite number. (mine is 10, if i am forced to pick a number, see my jerseys! -what do pple base their choice of 'favourite numbers' on?)

see what boredom coerces u into doing; ran out of books and i'm too lazy to brave the blistering sun to get to the library to check out new books. i despise my slobbish alter ego.

1. hon (honhon is passe la)
2. honlyn
3. lyn - my family members and close/old friends call me this.

1. smile :D
2. tiny ('almond-shaped'? haha) eyes
3. sm of the pudginess - there's more of me to hug ok!

1. pudginess! tummy! thunderthighs, the Bane of suay hockey girls:'(
2. creaky knees tt get locked fm time to time, and other injured parts.
3. height. my dream height is 170cm. ge is 6ft tall leh. maybe i am still growing.

1. i am a Chinese Teochew girl. who looks typically chinese-check those eyes out. but, smtimes a tad jap-looking, as raihan and chethan insist;)
2. my granddad came fm Xiamen to Johor when he was just a boy.
3. my dad grew up in Pontian, Johor. my mom grew up in the Serangoon/YCK area, Singapore.

1. the feeling of vulnerability: like tt instant u just step out of an airplane. and when Things are just so Uncertain.
2. illness - the emotional baggage tt serious illnesses cause, more like it. i will strive to remedy tt in the course of my work in the future:) -Holistic care!
3. heights, dammit.

1. toothbrush, toothpaste! and a cold shower.
2. WATER! and the toilet;)
3. chocolate! wait, and fruits and vegetables. and maybe bread.

1. dark blue 33 (prefects') shirt, which has my name highlighted in yellow at the back:D
2. nike shorts, what else?
3. erm, undies.

1. cant say for sure. i have mood swings!

1. ditto

1. trust.
2. mutual give-and-take, essentially.
3. love me, love my dog.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i hate bathing right after i eat.
2. i can cook!
3. i like to tire myself out so tt i can sleep better at night.

1. smile, a confident, yet friendly demeanor.
2. eyes tt Twinkle!
3. a Very hugable bod. no need for 6-pac (my standards have dropped!;) but pls, he (haha! i had better clarify what my preferred sex is) cant be a slob.
wait, i have more things to add: nice strong hands. ditto shoulders, legs, etc . ..dreamsdreams;)
ask me abt non-physical things, then u will see tt i am not That superficial ok!

1. sports -running/swimming? i guess i tend to do these more cos these are indiv activities.. hmm.
2. bumming ard with friends. sharing views on Life and frivolous thoughts. and EATING with them!!
3. reading. esp at a comfy coffee place cos i get high! on the smells at such places. and of course, borders is lovely too.

1. run. (better still if it was drizzling! havent run intherain in a long time) but feeling more slobbish than i can help. (whacking another bag of crisps. and i dun really think tt they taste/feel tt nice actually! compulsive behaviour tsktsk!)
2. hug smone very tightly. been a while since my last Bear Hug.
3. clean up my room, make space for the Next Chapter in Life. (ie textbooks. hell, havent bought them. oh, and new clothes too. cant be wearing nike shorts everywhere.)

2. hotel manager
3. doctor. yosh. i am q excited. i had better be!

2. polynesian islands-tahiti!
3. europe, the whole of, on a mega long backpack trip.
4. NEPAL! haha. this will come true soon!

1. dun worry, i wont give my kids tacky names. nor common names.
2. they must have nice, Meaningful chinese names!

1. have everyone i love, and care for, know tt i love them, and do Nice things for each of them.
2. travel the world; open my eyes and heart to the world i have yet seen
3. save/prolong a couple of lives, and alleviate a lot of suffering - wah, can i be so noble?

1. look at my ah-beng swagger.
2. i curse. i say 'shit' a lot a lot more than a sweet girl shld. at least i dun say 'pangsai';) (Operation Demure is in full swing now though)
3. i like being independent, and in Control of situations.

1. i am bloody quote hormonal unquote la, as much as i hate to admit it;) -moodswings!
2. i love to be pampered. and i gush 'aw so sweet!' too much when tt happens to myself, or my other girlfriends.
3. i Love chocolate.

kinda sexist eh, these two questions?

1. takuya kimura!
2. he is the only one man.

1. dun waste ur time la.
2. i think this kind of stuff is a mammoth waste of time.
3. i am hypocritical eh.

hmm. ge said q a few interesting things tonight, but one thing in particular has struck hard. will chew on it a bit more before forming sm answers, and more questions.

anw. sentosa was baaad today. it was a washout! strong gusts kicked up a knee-height sandstorm before the rain came down heavily. 5 of us ended up eating ah-soh food outside newzealandfresh. food like: charsiew rice! and angkukueh! courtesy of kai's mom haha. basically we ate tons today: bad day la. xiz, jen and i whacked a few packs of chips and loackers very quickly, grouchy tt we were the only three at the beach! >.< where were the other girls?:'( thank gdness damn-pro laulau came by in her huge suv to pick us, and em & kai, up. vroomvroom.

more food and killbill2 (eek!!) at em's place. kinda reminiscent of oz days because for a while during the show, there were just the 4 of us, and a pkt of redrock going ard. woosh:) i hope the others enjoyed themselves smwhat too. i love u all.

OT was baaad. heard tt they cut out q a lot of jokes cos tonight's the VIP night. the play was v v flat without all those digs. i upped and left during the intermission, abandoning poor ge. (he was the only one left in our row of seats.) the funniest bit of the play was when the two kiddos (the only kids there; i was the next youngest; so many many profs!) sitting behind ge and i asked: 'mommy, what is a prostitute?' and boy, were they persistent. hahaHA.


ok, after Two sausage buns, and a bag of kettle chips, (at 1 am!!!) i am q awake and ready to think abt what ge said. a very brief outline of our dialogue:

ge: what defines a true friend?
me: smone who has stood by me, and will cont to do so, unconditionally. (i start thinking abt who my true friends are, and half-heartedly count off on my fingers. a few, i've got. nice to know.)
ge (intentionally vague): what abt the other way around?
me: huh? (then realisation strikes) oh! (i panic. and then feel extremely Lousy.)

yeah, i feel like such a lousy friend. i tried counting off the pple i have been a true friend to. i ashamedly admit that my thumbs and fingers remained uncurled. it's now tt i appreciate my true friends a lot a lot more. and i think my attitudes towards my friends have changed q a bit. because of tt one question.

unconditional and consistent concern, without agenda. a true friend gives and does tt not expect to gain smth in return. i will work towards that.

rraa i have defective linguistic abilities. i am rather incoherent, but heck: the main gist of the philosophy is here. i hope more pple gain sm Enlightenment too.


sugar rush. Zzz..

Saturday, July 30, 2005

haha! i knew that jen wld oversleep; sunny's right abt my knack to call whenever they are sleeping. so much for psyching up to wake early to go buy food for the rest! >.< but i love u anw. :).

bad sleep yet again, think i will concuss in kai's place tonight on rejoining the girls after watching OT, the med play/musical?, with ge! it's sm gala shit apparantly, eeyer, i have no clothes since ili's ldb is in the wash. hope the rest of popeye has fun at the matinee;)

it's a pretty saturday. i dun want anyone to be :(. :(

so why don't we go
so why don't we go!

Friday, July 29, 2005

the antisocialite surprises herself. i've been more sociable than i expected myself to be; it feels nice:)

i've been loyally going down to sch each day albeit for just a couple of hours smtimes.. already, the familiarity of some routes and places (i dun like the track here. no toilets!) comforts me. popeye is sorta done with our main task for the float: a brightly-coloured coke cup tt requires just a bit of imagination before it is identified. well, gd effort, guys! i am glad for float, for it allowed me to make contact with sm more pple. but besides interaction, we gained little more, i think. float's basically been a mammoth waste of time and manpower, by virtue of fact tt too many cooks have been called down to stir too small a cauldron and there arent enough ladles, mind. it doesnt help matters that these cooks might as well be replaced by smth like the paopaocha machine-dolls since most of us are just mindlessly stirring up what's ordered. yeah, i understand tt it isnt possible for us to exercise our creativity much, cos of the scale of things, but i am not used to not practising discretion.

so much for bitching; i must reinforce tt i have enjoyed float ok. (if not, why wld i be going almost everyday, to the horror of saus, right?:D) it has hopefully revved my engine, and warmed me up for the various activities ahead.

i cant seem to compact the photos!
more 412 babes aft mids underwaymore 412 babes aft underway

saus me jensaus me jen

me and jen, colourful, peace!:D

me and my happy dateroger

went for the (navy) mids underway at chjimes last night. after 'funny', 'complicated', 'sad' episodes involving my dear friend, jennieqmf. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) in any case, i enjoyed last night a tad more than i expected, (seems like my expectations are low these days, or i am easily content:) mostly in the company of saus. roger is a really nice guy too-not 'weird', 'eccentric', and definitely not 'queer'. was great to see the many other pple too of course.

oh ili: we met fah-mi just as we were leaving chijmes. he valet-s there too!


tiring day today. mentally:s and physically, smwhat.

lunch with nikhil at lau pa sat was gr-oss. i am waiting in anticipation for a yummy n indian feast. and a nepal trip, of course.

trekked ard the city hall area, drenching my t-shirt in sweat. (in a 'disturbing' fashion, as sixuan wld have exclaimed.) but was rewarded with a feast for the eyes, and the 'tum-tum': CANDY EMPIRE at millenia walk. redrock. poppies twist n choc. woosh woosh. lugged two bagfuls of junk food ard, feeling most zonked, but accomplished. charlie and the chocolate factory beckons!

started on nick hornby's new book today, perched on one of the stools-backache! but the read's been q easy thus far. kept dozing off though.

lecherous middle-aged men in mrt trains, piss off!

AHH!! 412 day tmr!:):):) happy bday, kai.


Monday, July 25, 2005

the extra caffeine in panadol extra kept me up till almost 4am -my last time check- this morn! ok, prolly other reasons too, like a severely aching arm, and aching belly, prevented me fm falling into deep slumber despite the sleepiness. but still, 4am!! rolled out of bed at 6, was damn psyched to go running. haha, hit the track at last in a looonngg time, and running alone this time felt weird, simply because it was Bright. the cool, dim mornings on the mt sinai track are such a contrast to the vast open bright blue skies at nus today. also, no trains rumbling alongside to jump and wave at, just an ugly blur of traffic along a highway tt's polluting the morning air. nonetheless, the run was refreshing, and i am reminded why i dragged myself to sch at 0630 in the past. and tt's prolly also why this particular sch-attendant auntie took a walk round the track every morning too.

true, it gets terribly monotonous running in circles, but besides the fact tt the paths (canal) outside sch are badly lit, and reckless running-in-the-dark is generally discouraged, (who knoweth what lurks?) it's most invigorating to see the sch slowly fill up as the sky lightens. initially it was just you. and then maybe sm other runner/s will slip onto the track too. then an early bird wld stagger to the specs gal, and sprawl on the steps-perhaps he's taking in the last bits of the deep purple, or just dozing. and the canteen will fill up with sm sleepy, and sm alive! pple, or those who are just madly rushing tutorials. by the time it's time to head to showers, the canteen wld have been q q packed, and so cheerfully noisy. woosh.

showers in nus are few and far btwn.

my grammar is disgusting. but i just cant decide which tense to use.

man of the hour - pearl jam

Tidal waves don�t beg forgiveness
Crashed and on their way
Father he enjoyed collisions; others walked away
A snowflake falls in may.
And the doors are open now as the bells are ringing out
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
Goodbye for now.

Nature has its own religion; gospel from the land
Father ruled by long division, young men they pretend
Old men comprehend.

And the sky breaks at dawn; shedding light upon this town
They�ll all come �round
Cause the man of the hour is taking his final bow
G�bye for now.

And the road
The old man paved
The broken seams along the way
The rusted signs, left just for me
He was guiding me, love, his own way
Now the man of the hour is taking his final bow
As the curtain comes down
I feel that this is just g'�bye for now.

(big fish!)
such a misty song, at least sm parts of it are. i am totally zonked.

anw, when i wake up, it'll be matriculation day. my next 5 yrs and beyond are mapped out in frnt of me. at this very moment, i dun feel the excitement bubbling up within me, as it really shld. i am excited abt the course, really. but the Feel for the accompanying "things" just isnt really there. Yet:) i will be positive! i wont allow myself to drag my feet thru sch life, so there! woosh.

guess what are the first few things i will do with my matric card??
actually, i can only think of 3 options now though. -swim,tennis,eat! i shld do more of two of these activities and cut down on the remaining one!

yikes. confusion abt tuition fees with my tut kid right now. i Hate money matters.

the Tan Sistas (and bro) and Co. dinner at sang's was nice. (so much for sunny's exclamations tt my vocabulary has expanded;) seriously, risotto and goulash and salad with brie cheese was yummy, thx for all the effort put into the menu, girls!-the epitome of jing de liao chu fang, chu de liao ting tang. hongking and i cld only contribute menially: we q efficiently washed the dishes together; sorry for having snapped at hk when I was shoddy in my washing. haha, bet hk wldnt want to come over to my place to eat if i'm the one who did the dishes aft the previous meal.

ended up watching ET on tv. we treated it almost like a comedy, laughing, and ooh-inh and ahh-ing q a lot, except sunny who thought ET looks like it popped out fm a horror flick. hahaHA. i was rather concussed during the movie though: Throbbing headache, hot flushes and chills and a fiery stomach-threw up sm. think the lemak in lunch didnt quite agree with me. bet it's the horrid jackfruit curry (yes, nangka curry!) tt did me in. but! the wonders of panadol extra! (tt is only different fm the normal panadol in tt it has more caffeine, so says pharmacist-gonnabe sangsang.) am feeling almost right as rain now. almost high! haha.

weili is afraid of clowns! correction: weili is afraid of dolls. haha.

hmm dad must be slightly swayed to let me get a bike aft watching the final leg of tour de france! all the riders look so! pro!


Sunday, July 24, 2005

BOOM! gastronomical feat today. whacked grandma's pumpkin cake (substandard this time leh:s but still heartwarming food when u know where it comes from:) for breakfast, and then moved on to peranakan food all the way in east coast rd, at Charlie's Peranakan Place. well, it wasnt as yummy as ge made it to be, but it's still better (and less smelly) than Ivin's nonetheless.

best eats in Charlie's:
1) Udang Blimbling. shiok. the buah blimbling was so sour!
2) Chendol! they are superultra generous with the gula melaka and coconut cream (gross-looking, but surprisingly yummy!) woo.
3) belachan. smelly as usual, but q q shiok. i got burnt.

right aft dessert, we smhow dragged ourselves to the Pau shop which was reported on in Lifestyle today. looonngg queue, typical sporean fashion to flock there aft reading abt it. the charsiew pau tt was highly praised was.. not nice. the reporters lied abt the lack of goo and fat. the tanjong rhu pau is still nicer la.

also ate the popiah next to the pau shop, the egg-skin is q yummy! and the veg is laddled onto the lettuce using this (i suspect,) customised laddle. but i was waay too full to give due appreciation to the popiah by then. boom!

dad was hilarious today. he took a wrong turn on the highway coming home; i dun know how tt was possible, but what's new!?

it was even more Hilarious when he told us how he used to hang ard the joochiat/east coast rd area on weekends when he was young and had just started work in singapore: he had a sad life-no friends, and so spent most of his weekends at the two/three cinemas along those roads catching back2back movies! haha.

dinner in sangsang's place soon soon. yosh. the tut kid beckons now!

>well, mo ended up successfully irritating me during tuition, refusing to tell me what he's got up his sleeve (where his lopsided arms are hidden haha!) "irritating boys!"-imagine em saying this;) anw, i Cant believe tt he told russ not to talk to me. such a spoilsport. bish!!>

must run/swim tmr, i have Big plans to shed sm weight in the next few weeks/months!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

i don't give a flying fish.

Friday, July 22, 2005

ouch. my arm hurts. so. flrball was q a bummer today:'( ms j tan advises one week of inactivity. i will embrace tt. been so lazy ever since sch ended anw. inertia (more so, with increased mass) is too much to overcome alone. i miss school, where there were always things to do, and pple to do things with.

the rest of the day wasnt too eventful either: tuition was cancelled, so i ended up reading my book for Hours in tcc, which is severely overstaffed. i finally tried an affogatto! it's just icecream in cooled espresso, but q q yummy. must treat Ugly to one next time:)

finished another of tom holt's books today.. it's so bullshitty. i bet he has a lot of fun writing his stories, purely out of a warped imagination. wld love to watch an equally mindless movie adapted fm his books, woah time/space travel and magic! yeah, this kind of trashy books make good reads for pple who havent been using their brains. i am beginning to fall for fantasy, i see. but i doubt tt i can take hardcore goblins and elves just yet.

"90% of Paul wanted to dance around in circles rejoicing. The other 10% wanted to force-feed the Great Cow of Heaven her cowbell. Fortunately, Paul was a democracy." ..found these two lines v funny this aftnn. in retrospect, i query my sense of humour. anw! tt Audumla cow is what we studied in Norse mythology! it's not Swiss, tom holt. moo.

a boring saturday looms. i am even half-wishing tt there was rag to do. let sunday come quickly, pls. sangsang is cooking!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

BOOM. 5 chunks of cake fm cedele! thank you, oli's mom. ate half of each piece of cake. i am Happy. :).

all that cake After dinner, mind. dinner was yummy too, and q fun: got crayfish spray all over my face.

seek comfort in food; i was Grumpy on reaching home today, dont know why.. the day went pretty alright, i thought: virgin swim in nus waters with saus to start the day, and then bumming ard, not achieving much, with half of popeye for the rest of the day. guess i just didnt feel a sense of Purpose. everyth moved too slowly today.

highlights of this week:

- tea with saus and em at lazy gourmet where we prolly tickled the staff by loitering ard the counter for q sm time on all 3 occasions we wanted to make an order.

- treetop walk, during which the two guys smhow got themselves muddied;) and pre-/pro-ceding which we trekked q a distance, braving drizzles and a monkeys. a little adventure in the forest to relieve the humdrum of urban life.

- wakeboarding with saus, michelle, weili and jon ng, which left me Orange. and aching badly today. at least i didnt crash into a tree like michelle did;) brave of her to have hung onto the rope despite seeing the tree looming ahead! tt's one gutsy girl!

- lounging ard with popeye.. i always feel so lazy when i'm with them:) tried carl's jr at marina sq, it's q yummy. but do skip the chilli cheese fries. gays and geishas have been pretty much a central topic these past days; tzeyeong is such a sport. oh! met my counsellor, today. nice, i think. :). and sleepy isaac googled pple's names in the med library today. will add one more search result to 'isaac seow-en'. so there. :).

everyone at home is Happy now. and i suddenly realise why: mom is well again. stealth! :). :). incidentally, cedele cakes were the Happy Food i had tons of when mom first fell ill 1.5 yrs ago.

friday flrball beckons! woosh.

Sunday, July 17, 2005


nikhil kickstarted my day with Wonderful news. i am So Happy. :). will wait for him to let the cat out of the bag himself. meantime, i will just blurt it out to pple when i absolutely cannot contain it. a trip to nepal beckons, albeit tt only happening in 5 yrs time. am touched tt he wanted to break the news face2face. woosh! i cld have hugged him to bits this morning. for sm unfathomable reason- it's not the nepal trip tt's fuelling my high ok.

had a funtabulous aftnn with dehan. i havent been so tickled in a long time:D met tons of pple; a motley bunch of us: hyan and adrian, jean and charissa, donghoon and zes, and us, smhow were all drawn into nydc. town was teeming w familiar faces today, nice. it made me wonder how it wld be like studying/living in a foreign land: u become really just a face in the crowd, unidentified, unrecognisable.. ..and then, so what? Hmm.

jen and sunny were patient with me today:) but i really shld work v hard on tennis.

yikes. i am kinda dreading what will happen in abt 2 weeks' time. but i've been procrastinating for smtime now, i'd better just clench my teeth and go thru with it. it's tough being 'evil' and hurtful, dammit. girls, give me strength; it's so much easier for me to dish out suggestions, and spur others on - i am a mess when i get caught in the middle of such tricky sits myself.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

3f at andy's

a surprisingly tiring day. left andy's place early, (but i took 1.5 hours to get home! >.< ) right aft my first ever xbox game, haha yes i am a mt tortoise. food was great! sang and i stuffed our faces w beef's fantabulous dish. company was comfy, as usu, nothing loud and rowdy. aft two yrs, we are all ultra comfy with each other's idiosyncracies i guess.

a level of comfort was felt when i met grace in town, and made a long, otherwise torturous journey to the east.. we have never had a long talk before, but the 6 yrs of familiarity allowed room for any comments at all, long lapses of silence, bad posture, etc, and the last few stops on the east-west line came before i knew it. sure hope grace gets her dream uni course!

dropped by town en route to andy's place, meaning to get sm reading done, to give me sm food for thought - time travel in 'the time traveller's wife' left me smwhat winded again yesterday; there is Smth i cant figure out, and tt's precisely what i cant put my finger on hoho. anw, i found the book without much difficulty this time, and saw tt a few copies were missing fm the shelf and actually walked to the kid's section to see if there was a giant sitting amongst/on the kiddos. :). the bookstore was crazily crowded though, and kinda noisy, which was such a spoiler.

nikhil is acting suspiciously tonight. haha. it's been a while since our last breakfast, so i will psyche up for tmr's. tennis with jen/sunny/qianli beckons too; i hope my baad throat recovers overnight!

i ramble abt Things I Have Done these days. bad. not much thought processes going on up there!

Friday, July 15, 2005

popeye, look at andrewf!

popeye, lastdayofmedicamp

2.5 days is too short for a camp!

had q a bit of fun:) too woozy now fm seeing fuzzy images for the past 2 days due to wrong-degree contacts, since i stupidly lost one lens in the pool, to elaborate much. but med_camp was essentially q sm fun, with uncannily like-minded pple. it was ironically invigorating to have og-mates who had also sort of dragged themselves to camp with little/no expectations, and we all generally shared mood swings thru the 2.5 days. as true-blue sailormen, we Popeye-s loved the water games. woosh!

the most uncannily alike person i met wld have to be dehan. gdness gracious me: we share similar drinking (sweet h2o) and toilet habits! a brief gloss-over of family tracks was amazingly similar too. pontian! -both our dads' hometowns. pontian, which produces 'traditional-thinking' fathers.

am glad for the chance to meet the pple i will be living thru the next 5 yrs and beyond, in such a lazy, relaxed manner. (i mean it, despite my gripes abt the lack of activity smtimes haha. i've been so lethargic as of late, with regards to meeting new friends and joining mass activites, tsktsk! guess i am warming up all over again. :).

medicamp mates, and ogls, are Super. full of colourful k'ters, i like! it's great to meet strangers, and bond with them, to catch up with old friends, but most stirring still is to find out more abt familiar faces that were previously not more than just that.


Sunday, July 10, 2005

you're beautiful. you're beautiful.
you're beautiful, it's true.
i saw your face in a crowded place,
and i don't know what to do,
'cos i'll never be with you.

reminds me of smone once telling me tt there was this girl on the train tt looked a lot like me. not in the context of this song and the like, of course! a striking comment nonetheless.

hyan thought tt it was bullshitty for kev to say hello to his friend in this manner. i beg to differ. :). in any case, i wish kev luck! courage, teach him to be strong.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

tgif. 'F' for 'Floorball'. shagged, but shiok. didnt die out on court so early, though i had my customary leg cramps towards the end. had Tons of fun, today was spozedly j1 flrball boys vs teachers friendly. played with hyan for the teachers, and initially had sufficient rest time, but as the clock hands moved, the teachers stealthily left, and we were left with 1.5 lines. shiok though. woosh!

"Play The Game, Hon!" shit. what did sir mean exactly. i must play a lot more Consciously, to improve. mikey was saying tt flrball is easy to pick up, but difficult to master. agreed!

great tt i finally saw kailun aft 8/9 months? he looks the Same, great! funny how we cant talk face2face. but doesnt matter, it was gd seeing him, and jervis and shiwei aft such a long time too:) am already looking forward to next friday.. i will miss the hung:'( haha. wish i cld import photos fm my phone to the computer!

as i came out of the steam room of an indoor gym for 100plus to calm my spasing muscles, the cool air tt hit me made me realise how much more refreshed george orwell must have felt each time he came out fm the kitchens in the hotels/restaurents he worked in. (finished sixuan's 'tales of poverty in paris and london' in btwn lessons and catnaps:) also, 'N.P.' by bananayoshi-didnt like it as much as 'Kichen' though.) facades of uppity things. hmm.

anw i am Hungry now. rushed home so ge cld go out, sort of. boy did he look pissed. let me live/think like a(n irresponsible 19 year old just a bit more! am touched tt my presence was even slightly missed at s11:)

anw! sch was fun again today tho i almost died during prac having repeated the same instructions, questions, explanations tens of times over. a guy said i was almost neurotic, asking them so much. pos! haha. i will Miss the j1s even though one week sure isnt enough time to get to know them proper. lotsa colourful kters! as with every batch:) it's great to see more familiar faces when i return to sch.

don reminds me of mo, smhow. guess it's the not-so-huge-rugby-boy-build though i think mo is taller. yikes, cant rmb!:D needless to say, i miss mo! hee. just found two cds of thai songs!

Zzz! onto a lovely saturday. i'll live without a bike:) tennis beckons! hoho. i will show off what i have learnt fm lenny thus far.

timeless dream of light mists, of pale amber rose

Friday, July 08, 2005

i am still awake. but it's not fm the adrenaline rush i got over the bike offer. just had a super long talk with ge, and i am overwhelmed. by opinions that are 7 years beyond me, perhaps. (funny how one major concern Right now is how i will be zombified in sch tmr, and how i will be a tad too exhausted to play flrball properly. immature shit eh.)

learnt a bit more abt myself tonight, why i choose to do many things besides just study. (which i still think is shitty.) it's all abt making myself feel gd. the idea of winning. and feeling gd. it's abt forming an identity unique to myself since i dun win most of the time: i must prove myself worthy, before i feel gd. as it is, academically, i have got no achievements to speak of, cca-wise, i just happened to have a thumb in a few pies, but i was never really gd at anyth. so perhaps the most i can do is grow a few more thumbs and stick them in more pies tt look yummy. amazing how this sounds so logical, yet it left me smwhat winded when i first heard it. i am feeling q small now. realising tt i might be scrambling to do things just for the sake of building sm self-esteem isnt q morale boosting. this is q a catch-22 eh.

we talked abt regrets. realised tt both of us are most afraid of having regrets, and this governs a lot of our actions. our heads over our hearts, in a sense, since we hafta use a bit of thinking to tide us over the adrenaline rushes tt overwhelms our hearts. ok, it's a lot more like this in my case, since i am the adventurous one and wants to Live Life to the Fullest in every sense of the word 'Fullest', but ge is content by living consistently. i guess a lot of my peers will think tt i worry too much most of the time, tt i consider my parents' (perhaps old school) thinking too much. but tt's the way i was brought up i guess, to always think abt them first, and try to compromise, or succumb, despite how hotheaded i am, and wld like to have the courage to continue being so.

a buddhist teaching states tt one shld first make himself happy. interesting why monks live frugally: it is when their needs are minimal tt they are most easily pleased. and in so doing, smhow, (i lost the train of thought, maybe i will get it tmr, on further thought and processing) others ard them are happy. so ge tells me to first please myself. if i was grumpily complying with others' demands, the others wld not be happy either when they sense the dark clouds ard me.. i understand this logic perfectly. but. it's just so hard. take buying a bike for instance: i wld be Over the Moon, if u know me:) if i got a bike. but dad wld Hate it. so, his unhappiness will taint my cheeriness, and i know i will carry this unhappy load with me everytime i bike, and i am going to be less than happy, and dad will just be unhappy. what happened to pleasing myself?

both of us also know tt we do not appreciate mom and dad enough. they have done so much for us, sacrificed so much. though we havent done anything majorly upsetting, but we havent done anyth tt we feel proud to be credited with. nothing. studies? it just so happened tt we were lucky and found sm joy in books and tt translated to above average grades. it wasnt concerted effort, and we surely didnt do all tt for them. sure, i make an effort to come home early each day, just to accompany mom, but my mere presence isnt quite enough is it? hiding in my room tapping away on the laptop really isnt very much different from me out there bumming with my friends is it? at most, i just can defend myself if i ever feel defensive abt not being a gd daughter and leaving an empty nest behind. guilt strikes. it struck many times before, but hearing it fm ge just hits home harder than ever.

we know our faults, so there had better be more effort to show for tt.

friends.. my family doesnt know nuts abt my friends save those i made in primary school. my fault. but it is q hard to get friends over when everyone's living far away, and there isnt anyth to do at home! what, eat? cant decide if they show interest in my friends in the first place. sad, cos i always have stories abt my friends to share, but it smhow never comes out. guess i shld just try anw.

i will always be their little girl. :). thank u mom, for all the times u helped me get my way. thank u papa, for protecting us. i know tt's how much u are concerned.

one more mood swing in just a few hours. exhausting.

really tired. i just want to hug smth very tightly now and go to sleep.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

ahh!! bike fever!! itching to buy this scott s5 05 posted on togoparts. cheapcheap. but i know nuts abt bikes, so i really dont know if it's a gd investment. ge cant (ok, i just dun dare ask;D) help me since the whole family is down w sm potent flu bug, and i think he wld be grumpy. i better eat more oranges.

sentosa today! it felt sinful to be there on a weekday. but it was surprisingly crowded! with tourists, and sm nus freshmen hoho. biked with soh (haha, so used to seeing 'soh' in my address book, 'zhaojie' looks weird) today, the same route we took on nus tri last year. i died. damn quickly. butt cramp!! sat down and stretched for an eternity, and had the 2nd longest ever chat sitting down on a pavement. (the longest has got to be the Many hours hyan mjing and i were stranded in ntu.)

ahh!!! just talked to pok abt the bike! he and soh both think it looks gd enough to buy! !!. pok has been Most helpful! rock, u rock:)

anw, dinner at 5* was yummy. learnt how frogs are Gruesomely killed:'( for their legs by hungry odacians/army boys.

ahh!! i just called rachel! shit i am plunging into it before even telling dad. he will Flip. but rraa. a bike like this seldom comes by. right? will go view the bike at THREE PM TMR if it's Still unsold. hope! hope! dear god, pls let things go smoothly. actually most imptly, dun let dad have a heart attack. and pls, let there not be another cold war. and pls, let everyone at home be well. and shitshit. let ge be supportive of the bike. or it will be Hell at home.

did i ever mention tt i am a freethinker. yet i am demanding so much.

weili sent a msg:
"stress of a full bladder increases heart rate by 9 bpm and constricts blood flow by 19%, enough to trigger a heart attack. so please use the loo." hoho!

oh school has been great btw. the j1s have been v nice, i think they like me:)

thoughts are Bouncing all over the place now. because of a Bike! ahh!
:) : ) i cant sleep.

Monday, July 04, 2005

naked as we came - iron and wine

She says, "Wake up, it's no use pretending."
I'll keep stealing, breathing her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

She says, "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground."
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

Sunday, July 03, 2005

brazillian kiddos
brazillian kiddos


live 8. ought to shoot myself for missing it tho buddy told me last night. planted myself in frnt of the tv watching bbc just now, and felt all the goosebumps and tingles i get whenever i see smth Good happening. i dun mean just the concerts, but the rallies, demonstrations, etc by the Masses tt will hopefully sway the bigshots in a certain direction. men have proven that we (they?) arent self-centered.

Make Poverty History.

i tingled all over most when nelson mandela came on. that is one man i respect. rmb reading long rd to freedom one hols in sec sch, and getting all riled up abt apartheid. mm. again, it's all talk no action fm me. aint no 'agent of change' eh.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

it wasnt a lonely day after all. :). met sunny and jen for a swim. felt lumpy and Slow (really really slow:( how to join tri with my freestyle so Shitty?) but it was lovely lounging by the side of the pool talking. sunny is going away. along with many other pple. tt hasnt really sunk in yet, but i think farewell meals will come before i know it, and then it will all hit home.

am High! haha. got infected by joyce, aft her tri. gdness! it sounds like i missed out on smth really gd this weekend: the osim tri! Ugly made it out of the water 2nd in his wave how zhai is that! joyce zoomed past joanne peh. who knows what tri-umps mr soh will share with me tmr.

so. must join nus tri. must get hold of a bike soon, and of course start running and swimming. yikes. i am a Fat Lump. but i will persist. Psyche Up, Get Fit! hoho.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Happy Slippers.

pearl has got hers, it's my turn to get mine and cheer up:) my shoe fetish kicks in with a vengence, after all the effort i have been putting it to ignore it. saveupsaveup. for Bigger Wants. anw. i am feeling q the shopping loser today: 1) all the slippers came in wrong sizes (they were available the last few 9804592 times i stealthly visited the shop. 2) all the shorts i tried today did Not fit. it's the suay-hockey-girl legs, and the extra tyre tt's built just this year eeks!

but. tiny red octopi (where are their eyes!? look out for them next time u eat at sm jap place or a chinese wedding dinner. esp if u are with me. so u will get grossed out, and pass the octopuses to me:) from pearl and friends cheered me up considerably. and a huge pinacolada with a v yummy after taste psyched me up as i headed home.

didnt do a lot of things tt i had planned to do today, but i snuck in personal time this aftnn before coming home, so am feeling just the tiniest bit guiltily satisfied. cant believe how Grumpy i was in the staff room today though. talking to alfie always makes me laugh though. great tt sixuan and br will be with me in rj next week too. i wanna sneak into pe classes. miss them Terribly. gdness. the lengths i wld go to, to have one more pe lesson. even basketball wld be fine.

i am going to learn how to cook! proper-proper food. shall dig up cookbooks.. soon. am a procrastinator, but the tummy beckons urgently.

realised tt saus dear must still be far off in cambodia? taking in the sights and sounds of a different culture woosh. take care, babe. come back when u are ready, i am waiting:)

I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside