Sunday, February 29, 2004

its been a trying period for everyone at home. the sudden quiet is just so painful. so many :( things have happened suddenly, i really need to run off to east coast and bike till i manage to hijack a plane and fly off smwhere. running away fm the problems wont do any gd eh. but as ge said, if u cant make the pple ard u happy, the first step is to make urself happy. i wish mom would take tt advice.

had a v happy trng yest:) a power shot to end the day woo! i love seeing sir laugh. hyukhyuk. and smhow i just gravtitate towards 'bullying' pearlyn whenever we are resting at the stairs. she is damn funny in an inexplainable [grammar!] way. i am high most of the time in sch these days. at least for the past few days. its so much easier jumping ard and letting loose all tt pent up energy and do physical stuff rather than try activate those neurons to try understand certain things. but not so high in class. maybe only pe lessons. its getting q frust to sit in the ts all day long. and zooming tuts which i really have trouble following [ie: physics!!] cos sm brilliant pple find the qns a chicken feat. i wonder why there are so many complaints then when mr wong wants to progress to the next tut. and of course, i am damn amazed by how i can shut someone out of sight out of mind just like tt. its like i have no peripheral vision.

oh!! hahaha. really grinned like hell on sat when i saw the usu 'cool' guy/s bringing the lil kids ard. omg damn cute!! would have killed to be a lil girl in tt bunch:p been 'talking' to smone a bit more these few days. i think he is like ge. which is comforting to know.

x country is on wednesday. i cant wait to see huien and enhui raise the two trophies! adrenaline rush just thinking abt it. i wish i had to train for tt though. heh.

the few tests coming up will be killers. i know i am unprepared and tt sucks all the more. tmr's early day had better not see things cropping up! a fresh week to start things right, contrast fm last week i hope. i pray for things to be alright at home! if not, it will be really hard to conc on other tasks.

Monday, February 23, 2004

mr ho passed away on saturday, 21st Febuary 2004. doing what he loved most: endurance adventure sports.

why. why now.

however cliched it sounds, life is absolutely unpredictable. there was so much promise life held for mr ho. mag told me tt the lesson to be learnt is to seize the day. i am glad tt i told mr ho how he has impacted my life, and i am grateful for the lessons i learnt fm him through all his patience and sincere concern. but i will be gladder still if i woke up tmr morn and found out tt all tt happened today was just a cruel dream.

i didnt go to the wake. i dont want to go. i dare not confirm tt all tt is true. i wish it isnt.

it hurts a lot for everyone tt mr ho has touched in one way or another, and tt is surely a lot of pple. talked to sm teachers, the pe teachers as well as math teachers. they all cracked.. not to mention all the x-ers whom he has gone the extra mile for. oh dammit so many pple are suffering just cos life is full of twists like this.

i wanted to run off tt shit feeling in my tummy. but i just couldnt. i will think of u everytime i hit the track or start off any run. thanks for giving more meaning to running. thanks for the encouragement and the example u set urself. i wish i could come back to rj to thank u every teachers' day aft i graduate. and go down to all the exciting places for the future x-country nats. and maybe watch u on tv hitting the iron man one day.

ms lee called mom to tell her to get me to go home aft sch. i guess i got mom a lil worried cos i only broke down when i called her to tell her. but i am glad they didnt ask much when i got home.

here's to life.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

i love the scones fm the provence! [tt holland v french/jap bakery:)] -alert!!-:carb overload!!

spending the day with family aft sleeping past 2am this morn [woah yes, wonders. had a hk movie marathon] it's ge's bday nxt week! bought him this deadrockstar shirt. wah the bag i bought in chatuchak costs over $50 here i think. must go back again. w fuzz and mag and really do our shoping:)

do u care if i dunno what to say!

:) happy day. met up with fuzz, xizhen and justin, sat in in coffee bean for q a while. [funorama was a lot of hype with nothing to do.] had one of the most enjoyable conversations in a long time. we discussed our future. all those dreams. if only scholarships land in our hands. i find justin v brilliant. he has obviously seen a lot more of the world than i have, and his way of sharing his experiences is extremely simple and warm. the three of them are the high flyers of hwachong. i think. and hey hc pple really are kinda different fm rj pple..

sir broke his foot!? i will miss seeing his power plays!!

Thursday, February 19, 2004

the excitement of having all 33 of us back in the room again really motivated me to get down to rgs. now this. maybe i will be alive enough by lunchtime to meet fauziah.

maybe i will go sit with lao tsjek today. he was v sweet yest, in pain and sleepy but still q alert. i am sure he would have regaled me with tales of his and ah-gong's childhood if his breathing was more relaxed. i wish then tt i had visited ah-gong a lot more. i was his fave girl grandchild yet i never did spend much time bonding w him.


Wednesday, February 18, 2004

crashing. sniffling, grouchy, aching, tummy ache. woah ive been in such high spirits lately eh.

shall get myself motivated by thinking abt my dream bike, and how i can persuade mom and dad to allow me to bike!! i need smth else other than my running shoes to keep me occupied. pearlyn suggested sailing. but tt is so far away.. and i guess i would like to do smth tt is flexible abt the amt of interaction reqd- ill prolly easily find a bunch of cyclists i could share the excitement of biking w, and still take time out on my own to explore and just rot.


Sunday, February 15, 2004

lao tjek's here to stay for the night before admitting to nuh tmr. it's nice to see him still cheery, though markedly worried. i really hope tt he will be alright! ge finds it amazing how his tumour got detected in such an initial stage. i am so glad for tt:)

yay so im bunking in with ge tonight! talking abt v day now. he's telling me how my value depreciates at this age if i am single. but it will go up later. hahaha.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

well got my tix to mtv asia awards. thx lots to ge:) [thx lots to other pple who tried to get it for me too!] for having gone to such lengths to get it. terribly touched, and even more so when he kept msging to find out how it was going, and how i was going home, etc.

rushed down aft swift yest at almost 6pm. managed to get into the third row of the freestanding space thx to yh and br having queued there since 3pm. was feeling damn off abt the whole thing actually, and considered leaving even b4 it started. for one reason, i stayed on. till simple came. woo!

left soon aft simple plan came on. was amazed at the comfort just 10m fm where i was standing: so much [sitting] space at the back! it sure felt like i was there alone. but yeah i was prepared[erm sort of] right fm the start to go alone anw, so no complaints! what was more xian was tt i wasnt interested in most of the other grps tt performed.. erm excuse me: pussycat dolls? not my cuppa tea.

heh. yeah murder me for the tix, esp since i left early to satisfy my growling tummy. a walk in town at 10 plus at night has strangely calming effects.

was feeling a lil out of sorts also because of a coupla of other reasons i think:

Friday, February 13, 2004

check this out. i look dumb, but it's still q cool!

wah. damn drained. so many things have happened these 2 days but feels like its been terribly uneventful.

today was total defence day. i am v tired. though i feel tt i didnt put in enough to cater to more than just the 500 pple who were involved. had positive feedback fm many friends at the end of the day though. i am glad tt u enjoyed urself; i hope those comments were sincere, and not targeted at making my day. thx anw:)

thx lots to those who helped make today happen. those who had a responsibilty but didnt perform it, thwu lar. gratitude and apologies to councillors like yh, who missed out on playing games cos he had to help ref games. i have a pride for faction, and wish to see us run an activity without reliance on council. of course, working with council is another thing. but yes, for now, i think our small size [less than 30] has been q an overused excuse to take advantage of the availability of support fm council.

am checking mail as i blog. there's been a spate of mails concerning college/faction affairs. terence said smth tt really moved me: "i think we took our hearts along to faction but left our souls behind in everything else." yeah perhaps we simply arent committed enough to put in tt extra effort to make the tasks we undertake memorable. personally, i believe strongly in faction, but the passion for this organisation i voluntarily signed up to join, and v excitedly got myself into, smtimes dies when dreary tasks tt no one likes to do crops up. but hey, i realise tt if a few of us do it together, we smhow manage to see it thru less painfully. [like shopping w shiming the last time was shit enough but lugging kilos and kilos of choc ard suntec yesterday was the ultimate.{more abt tt later}] [and today, the filing of the colemans looked extremely daunting -to me. thank god for cj, ian, shiming, vikas.] but sm pple in faction are just so bloody off. i cant shout out loud tt i'm damn on, and say tt i jump at doing everyth handed out. cos i dun. but hey at least i make an effort to prove my worth as a faction member. my purpose is not to vent my frust by pointing fingers at anyone. i just want to try understand why faction appears to be rather sad cf u-know-what.

i get more despaired as i read the mails.. everyone mentioned the ideals we had.. but hey, nothing seems to have been fulfilled. there was an inspiring time last yr, when we met and discussed ways to 'revamp'. but woah tt's like a flat balloon now. we've gotta gather wits and strength and make the last few mths of faction03/04 RIGHT. be it doing things tt we think we shld be doing, or what the sch expects us to do. [one day, these two criteria will overlap.]

amogh said: "all the best for TDD ppl. we may not think we should be doing it, but since we are, let's give it our all." yeah. comeon raffles faction. acme!! i remember our pledge. let's live by it. seriously.

let's push on. together. i promise to try. v hard.

Monday, February 09, 2004

rough day.

received bad news fm mr ho in the aftnn. only 6 names to be submitted for x country nats. reason: insufficient timing chips to accomodate 2 more pple per team. almost cracked when it sorta sank in. it just feels so wasted. all tt trng, time, emotions, was spent.. for what? i joined x in the first place cos of passion for running; i wanted to experience running not just for myself. in a sense, x gave more purpose to running, even though i still often say tt i 'run for fun'. but as i run more esp w the team, and psyche myself up along the way, the competitiveness just gets to me and i want to be in the heat of things. even if i can only qualify as a reserve at the moment.

the long runs at macR esp. each run was to beat myself one week ago, be it reaching one more bench further into the forest, or shaving off one min fm the previous timing. i never knew i could last this long. when i once thot tt 400m was the furthest i would ever race.

i want to be recognised as a worthy sports person- i shld be trng hard because i love my sport, because of passion, not because i seek pride in being able to say oh i belong to raffles hockey and x. and saw both teams thru to great achievements in year2 of jc. of course i will [and shld] feel pride saying all this. but my pt is, on reflecting, i think my attitude is q gross lar-it isnt at all gallant to get tearyeyed/ worked up on learning tt now being person 7 on the team, i am out because only the top 6 qualify. if i was really good, i wld be in no matter what. facts are [sadly] tt i cant meet the standard. this has taught me not to take things for granted: all this while, joyce and i have been damn hyped up cos we thot we already made it. also, i musnt learn to expect too much when i am unable to provide much either.

sir told me at the beginning of the yr to put my all into my priority [ie i have to prioritise] and make sure i achieve what i set out to do. i agree: no pt stabbing a finger in every pie and only getting a lick out of each at the end of the day. but maybe i didnt put enough into my runs. just take my races for instance, i shld push for each till i feel like puking towards the end right. but i didnt. cos i was afraid of the pain, i held back. what am i allowed to expect fm my own efforts then?

pep talked joyce for a long time while getting a grip on myself. but woah it still hurts. i dunno how to handle this properly: am just gonna suppress it all aft this, and put my mind on other pressing matters [like doing chem s. damn it was due today. feeling bad for not even looking at the qns!] feel like i cant talk to anyone save joyce abt this exp: it's q hard to express the feelings. i hope joyce gets over it soon too!

anw, i will live by my advice to joyce: be strong, display gallantry and cont to work for other aims. i am proud to have trained w the x team. they are a team of extremely dedicated disciplined sportsmen, and i wish them the v best:) i will be proud of them come nats.

but hey sch isnt all tt sucky ok. i love the many pple who make me laugh and smile of course. like the lil conversations i had with the guys at the hockey table, sr ahmad, ashraf, etc, with em, dolphie!, and bean, sang, sunny, alfie etc. its hard to be gloomy ard crazy pple. woo.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

haha. had a lot of fun today. so proud of manda and joyce: they got FIRST for women's relay!! altho there were only 13 teams, competition wasnt so lax: dolphie almost caught up with joyce! well done!

i felt so lousy during the swim: i must learn freestyle! breast stroke really put me at a disadvantage. wanted to chase during the run, but slacked when my knee felt creaky aft all tt kicking during the swim. but still caught up with sm who pushed too hard for the swim. am ok with my performance, but i know i can do better [i 'shld have'-i hate having to say this cos i think tt i shld give it my all no matter what i do] so anw, here's to a next race of the same sort:p

had a nice chat with gerald and jeremy, the two j4 twins on the way home. they said tt there are much higher returns for doing team events cos the pros do the indiv ones. heh. i wanna try legs and paddles on the 28th! [they too]

oh met jeremy [another one] and andy fm rmp! haha. and huiying and xuanting, amanda too.. i wonder if i'll tire of such activities but for now im totally enjoying it feeling q high.

rushed home for tut just now. gosh lynn has got me al confused over the use of 'unless'. "Unless u dont add salt, the soup will [not?] taste good?" i need help!!

Saturday, February 07, 2004

1520 for sats. leaving 8 blanks was stupid i guess. but i'll be content. now i need to figure out how to get my results sent to rj cos apparently i am jc-less on the registration form. do i even need to send it there in the first place?

gotta go buy adidas vouchers for prizes for ddr and whatnot. but arrgh no spare time at all! till friday itself. see how.

high! it's amazing what a lot of running and gd music can do to one's mood.


..was trembling a lil just now at five plus. dunno if it was effects of caffeine, or sugar rush cos of the banana spin i had or sheer weakness:p ran q a lot today.. didnt finish my workout in macR, hadta rush to hockey. but thankfully i didnt cos there was q a bit of running to end off hockey [ended at 1 pm plus?]: 400m x 6 then 800m x 2. am q glad for x, for it made the hockey runs seem less daunting.

Friday, February 06, 2004

just listening to mom reminising her childhood/teenage days. im terribly envious.. the freedom she had, the immense company, the friends tt came by everyday and left only at midnight, the parties they had, the space in the sprawling house, the bball court, the croc farm just behind the house, etc etc.

was zonky/conky the whole day. xhui was feeling damn hyped and she attributed it to sleeping at 8 plus last night. i no longer feel the refreshment [or is it 'refresh(ing)ness'] of sleeping early. i think its like drug addiction.. tolerance level keeps increasing. but bio s didnt end the day too badly aft all. thankfully. mr chan ty is v nice to keep feeding us.

alfie is fantastic too of course.. hk scalded his hand with 450 C molten -nitrate salt during prac today, and mr chan brought him to clinic, waited w him in the hosp etc and even sent a msg to us update us on hk's condition.

was learning to appreciate rj soccer this aftnn: sx was watching footage of their 3-10 match.. am q intriged by the game, impressed with the confidence sx exhumes. and of course his professionalism and committment. tt clown.. i hope he will happy!

oh smth else: got a cute 'friendship week' card with meaningful stuff written in it. and it did make my day better.

this reminds me.. needa get a cute card, send it to mo before its too late. ive already missed out on sending him a bday card, i have to make up for it this vday! asia awards. shall refuse to let mag and friend come along: they need time alone! wow i'm so happy for mag!!:)

i just checked nusbiathlon namelist. heh shld have signed up for relay: only 13 teams!! joyce and manda arrgh!! womens open has 100 plus pple! ahh! ok. it will be crazy jostling w everyone. im chickening out totally.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

got a bit worried today when everybody was saying how they have cut off internet, tv and other nonsense fm their lives. its all tut tut s paper tut notes tut. i know tt as a student, its my job to do tt as well. but its just damn hard. im always sleepy [lame excuse maybe but i just cant conc when i feel sleepy] even though im trng less hard now.

was kinda motivated to clear tuts aft sch today, to catch up w the rest, so blared music and tried to shut the world off. i shall try the cold cold library nxt time. the canteen has too many distractions.

anw, just ran a lil today w joyce and manda! manda! she's hilarious. find it weird how i just cant talk to huien. she's really sweet and all, but she's one of those pple i just cant click w.

gotta remember to buy rugby balls for the pe dept. feel kinda bad for using an almost accusing tone on the touch ruggers just now. shiming and i were just too excited thinking tt we might have recovered one of the missing balls. em's alright w it, but think i still owe huishan an apology.

ge fetched me home today:) he was damn frust with work. i hope he'll enjoy it a bit more tmr! he introed me to Fish Leong. she has a v cute song: wo3 xi3 huan1 i think. sweet.

bushed as usu. maybe i wake up tired cos i spend the night digesting my food. its unhealthy to sleep within 2 hrs of dinner [not to mention a heavy one] apparently. check tt tummy out. horrors!

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

blink 182

had a good day! started right w a run; raihan sx and co are crazy.

v glad tt the morning annoucement was well received. aft chiam and i spent more than one hr over the phone coming out with it. v painfully.

sch wasnt so bad. tho i got damn restless again during the terrible double lect. and pe left much to be desired. chem s was a drag, i wanna learn more! i need info. but meeting eugene [ho] on the walk home rounded off the sch day v nicely.

Monday, February 02, 2004

woke up today later than usu [6 am] then went back to sleep as usu. suddenly awoke again with a rush of enthusiasm [at last!] at 7 plus, and began a mad frenzy of packing things i wanted to read/study/do, all into my giant of a bag. lugged it down to town and sat myself v comfortable at macs ps [where lulu and kailun said i was least expected to be found..] and did whacked chem for q a while. it was all v therapeutic, with the rain splashing everywhere, loud music of blink, matchbox and simple plan blaring away. until the cigarette smoke took its toll on me.

went shopping. got myself a swimsuit too. unfair tt underwear and swimsuits for guys cost so much less!

guess who i saw. Garett! aft two plus yrs. wanted to make myself heard fm one storey above, but realised tt he would have forgetten me by now.. his memory was so terrible last time. i wanna hear him sing tt song one more time. camp Imagine! was 5 good days of my life.

erm also met emily and weijia, lulu and kailun, inna and co, tab w her bf too, etc.. no biggie to see familiar faces in the huge crowd in town, but woah the few pple i nver expected makes all the difference to a mundane day.

on the train home, i met keith. he's super friendly, q unlike what i expected him to be.. he talked q a bit, conversation was light, but entertaining. i wonder how reina is now, but caught myself fm asking him, smth intuitive told me to leave tt qn unanswered. keith's lost a lot of weight..

anw abt train rides.. just two days ago, i was v touched [i need a new word] but two kids.. brother and sister. i was exhausted, and took the seat nxt to guy. [his sis was sitting there at first, then she went off smwhere] fell asleep, and i guess my head was lolling ard. anw i know i looked q dead lar. anw, the two kids asked me if i wanted the corner seat so i could rest against the [greasy] glass panel. sweet.

blah: missed trng again today..